A woman walks into the downtown welfare office,
Trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW,' the social worker
Exclaims, 'are they all yours?'' Yep they are all Mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to Find seats. Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.
In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious?
They're ALL named Leroy?'
Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier.
When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'Then I call them by their last names.'
A man from Bangladesh named Abdul was bragging that in his country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.
A gent form England listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way."
"Just one?", Abdul asked. "And which way is that?"
"Well," the English gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman..."
"Praise Allah!!", exclaims Abdul, "Number 80!"
Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.
"OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know sh**?"
A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, How come I'm black and you're white ?" To which his mother replied, "Don't even go there ... from what I remember about that ****ing party you're lucky you don't bark !"
John went to visit his old grandfather in a secluded area of Georgia. After chatting all night John's grandfather made a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film on his plate, and questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just finish your meal!"
For lunch John worried that the plates had dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
The old man said, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now I don't want to hear any more about it!"
Later that afternoon, as John was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, not letting him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."
The old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"
A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland, near
Grants Pass, OR . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in
the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so
she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a
spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the
woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she
was an environmentalist and an
anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to
go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat
and waited three
hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took
you so long?'
He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'
A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting,
so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin'
tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the
clinic and take care of all my patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Ole, how was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,'
says Ole. Bravo, bravo!
You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her
bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:
"HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!"
'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, What did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'
I finally understand -
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
and 'Service' Stations
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!!
It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Now your catching on. LOL
Some might argue that inspection service would fall into the same catagory. :-)
And do not forget Oilfield service!!
jrw159
Male Date-Drug
(be sure to watch the video at the end)
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere.
It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women
to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' .. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it,
there are male support groups where you can discuss the details
of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
For a video to see how Beer works click here:
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
That explains *sooooo* much!
Hg
The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
*Apple does it again.*
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
ROFLMAO!! :)
So I am driving down the highway doing about 80mph when I come to the top of a hill and low and behold, at the bottom sits a state trooper. Of course he pulls me over. "License, registration & insurance please". I provide this and he starts to ask me the usual questions. When he asks what I do for a living, I say "I am a rectum stretcher" Suprised, he says "What the heck is a rectum stretcher?" I reply that I work at a factory that stretches rectums. We stretch them to all sizes ranging from 6 inches to 6 feet. Suprised again, he asks 'What the heck would anyone do with a six foot rectum?" I answered "He** I don't know, pin a badge on it and park it at the bottom of one of these hill's I guess."
And thats how I ended up in the county slammer that time. :-)
heh heh, I guess HE didn't find the humor in that.
NOPE!!! :-) Poor guy had no sense of humor.
jrw159
So this old couple is sitting in their rocking chairs on the porch, just rocking away.
All of a sudden, the wife up and backhands her husband so hard he falls out of the chair.
The old man says "What the hell was that for!?"
His wife replies "That was for 40 years of bad sex."
The old man climbs back up into his chair and thinks about that for a minute when all of a sudden he backhands his wife even harder!
After her senses return she asks "And just what was that for!?"
He replies "That was for knowing the difference..."
:-) Tim
George is old and laying in a hospital dieing he tells his wife Myrtle that there is a box under his bed at home with 50,000.00 in it he wants her to bury it with him when he goes and she agrees the day fianlly comes and Myrlte and a friend are standing by the grave site watching them fill in the hole and her friend turnd to her and asked her did you really bury all that money with him she said yes i wrote him a check
This one's a little more subtle
Sarko vs Obama
Hi Shephan,
Are they swapping fish stories?....LOL
John!
Most likely... ;-)
I can't stop laughing!!!!! good one Stephan!
Lion Tamer
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the sh** that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no sh** in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh** on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
ROFLMAO you always come up with good stuff
Glad you enjoyed it. I try to keep a high level of quality to my posts, even if they are sometimes off topic. LOL
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking
the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials
sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed
the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars
and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all
his problems."
The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent
events, in Your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute,
and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians
were running it.
* No taxes.
* No debt.
* Plenty buffalo
* Plenty beaver
* Women did the work
* Medicine man free
* Indian men hunted and fished all the time."
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough
to think he could improve system like that."
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but halfway through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog,
Ol'Blue, how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol'Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get
him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the
semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol'Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this--they've had such good results they have started to teach the
animals how to read!"
"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Ol'Blue in that
program?"
"Just send $2,500; I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So,
after careful consideration, he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at
the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol'Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and hear him
talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol'Blue was in the living room, kicked back
in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around
with that little redhead who lives in town?'"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son-of-a ***** before he talks
to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a very successful lawyer.
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly .
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two *******s.'
'What? He had two *******s?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Bubba with them two *******s.'
Ctacker
Excellent! And clean!
Pfizer AnnouncementPfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a
soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails',
'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market
the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There
is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed,
the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Bill worked in a pickle factory..
He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion..
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later,
Bill came home and his wife could see
at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how
I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean,
what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.
'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal....
LMAO to the 4 above posts :) :) :)
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he
decided he wanted to marry
her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about
each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about
each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and
went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning they were laying by the pool, when
he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did
a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three
rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the
water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations,
he came back and lay down on the towel. She
said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving
champion". "You see, I told you we'd learn more about
ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started
doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay
down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an
Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Pierre, South
Dakota and worked both sides of the river".
one for the girls
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY:
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how
is everything going?" inquired God.. "It is all so beautiful, God," she
replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the
sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is
these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out
and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on
branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported
Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that
having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically
balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You
see, all! the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has
her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God
thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create
a man from a part of you..
Now let's see............where did I put the useless boob?" Now doesn't
THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?
After 20 years of marriage a couple was lying in bed one
evening, when the
wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he
hadn't in quite some
time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck,
and then began
moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed
her shoulders and
neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts,
stopping just over her
stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left
inner arm,
caressed past the side of her breast again, working down
her side, passed
gently over her buttockand down her leg to her calf. Then
he proceeded up
her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of
her leg. He
continued in the same manner on her right side, then
suddenly stopped,
rolled over and started to watch T.V.
As she became quite aroused by this caressing she asked in
a loving voice,
"That was wonderful. Why did u stop?" He said,
"I found the remote."
By ctacker 
Date 02-10-2009 19:42
Edited 02-10-2009 19:44
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle .
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Tha nk you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Canada Audit
Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada ."
"To Revenue Canada ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to Revenue Canada ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
A man is walking along a California beach deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouds over and God's voice booms out, 'Because you have been faithful to me, I will grant you one wish.' 
