Jacka**
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

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I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is John, may I speak to Robin please?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jacka**!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jacka**," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and the I'd yell, "You're a jacka**!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jacka**. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jacka**!"

(Keep reading, we're not through with this guy.)

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The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jacka**, there sure a lot of jacka**es in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-4863 and yelling, "You're jacka**!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 2104 East 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don H."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes,"

"Don, you're a jacka**!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don H's number to my speed dialer.

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For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jacka**es to call. Then after several months of calling the jacka**es and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jacka** #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jacka**!", but I didn't hang up.

The jacka** said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don H."

He said "Where do you live?"

"2104 East 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jacka**!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jacka** #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jacka**!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jacka**!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 2104 East 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two Jacka**es kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news. :-)

I found this story in a "Real life stories" section. I don't know if it is true or not, but it is funny as he**.

Real Life Stories > Irish Bank Robbery

 


Irish Bank Robbery

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found Only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

Take The Bait

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

If by "come up with myself" you mean cut and paste, then yes. LOL :-)

jrw159

READ THIS BEFORE LOOKING AT THE PICTURE!

You are the chief airplane washer at the company's hangar and you

(1) Hook high pressure hose up to the soap suds machine.

(2) Turn the machine "on".

(3) Receive an important call and have to leave work to go home.

(4) As you depart for home, you yell to Don, your assistant, "Don, turn it off."

(5) Assistant Don thinks he hears, "Don't turn it off." He shrugs, and leaves the area right after you.

(6) Refer to attachment for the results. As with any occupation, make sure personnel have a clear understanding of what you are communicating!

Actually happened! Now see the picture of the consequences.

Glad you enjoyed it, I had a little free time on my hands so I thought I would distribute some smile. :-)

weird....