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Up Topic Chit-Chat & Non-Welding Discussion / Off-Topic Bar and Grill / Quantas Airlines Repair and QA
- - By dbigkahunna (****) Date 04-25-2011 02:46
Qantas Airlines
Repair Division

In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny....... ..... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last........ ......... .
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Parent - By Pickupman (***) Date 04-25-2011 22:21
I love it!:lol:
Parent - By waccobird (****) Date 04-25-2011 22:57
bigkahunna

The story is good but the whole truth be known :cool:

It is often claimed, most notably in the 1988 movie Rain Man, that Qantas has never had an aircraft crash. While it is true that the company has neither lost a jet airliner nor had any jet fatalities, it had eight fatal accidents and an aircraft shot down between 1927 and 1945, with the loss of 63 people. Half of these accidents and the shoot-down occurred during World War II, when the Qantas aircraft were operating on behalf of Allied military forces. Post-war, it lost another two aircraft with the loss of 17 lives. To this date, the last fatal accident suffered by Qantas was in 1951.
Since the end of World War II, the following accidents and incidents have occurred:
On 7 April 1949, Avro Lancastrian VH-EAS swung on landing at Dubbo during a training flight, causing the gear to collapse. The aircraft was destroyed by fire, but the crew evacuated safely.
On 16 July 1951, de Havilland Australia DHA-3 Drover VH-EBQ crashed off the coast of New Guinea (in the Huon Gulf near the mouth of the Markham River) after the centre engine's propeller failed. The pilot and the six passengers on board were killed. To date, this was the last fatal accident suffered by Qantas.
On 24 August 1960, Super Constellation VH-EAC crashed on take-off at Mauritius en route to the Cocos Islands. The take-off was aborted following an engine failure, the aircraft ran off the runway, and was destroyed by fire. There were no fatalities.
On 23 September 1999, Qantas Flight 1, a Boeing 747–400 VH-OJH, overran the runway while landing at Bangkok, Thailand, during a heavy thunderstorm. The aircraft ended up on a golf course, but without fatalities. The Australian Transport Safety Bureau criticised numerous inadequacies in Qantas' operational and training processes.
On 25 July 2008, Qantas Flight 30, a Boeing 747–400 VH-OJK, on the leg from Hong Kong to Melbourne, suffered a rapid decompression and made an emergency landing in Manila after an explosion. There were no injuries. The ATSB officially stated that the incident was caused by the failure of an oxygen tank.
On 7 October 2008, Qantas Flight 72, an Airbus A330-300 VH-QPA "Kununurra" travelling from Singapore to Perth, suffered a rapid loss of altitude in two sudden uncommanded pitch down manoeuvres causing serious injuries while 80 nautical miles (150 km) from Learmonth, Australia. The aircraft safely landed in Learmonth, with 14 people requiring transportation by air ambulance to Perth. Another 30 people also required hospital treatment, while an additional 30 people had injuries not requiring hospital treatment. Initial investigations identified an inertial reference system fault in the Number-1 Air Data Inertial Reference Unit as the likely origin of the event. On receiving false indication of a very high angle of attack, the flight control systems commanded a pitch down movement, reaching a maximum of 8.5 degrees pitch down.
On 4 November 2010 Qantas Flight 32, an Airbus A380, named "Nancy-Bird Walton" and registered VH-OQA, fitted with four Trent 972 engines manufactured byRolls-Roycesuffered a serious failure of its left inboard engine while taking off from Singapore Changi Airport. The flight landed safely at Singapore, and all 433 passengers and 26 crew on board survived uninjured. Cowling parts of the failed engine fell over Batam island, Indonesia.
Take care
Marshall
Parent - By Cumminsguy71 (*****) Date 04-26-2011 17:27
"Took hammer away from midget" Hahahahaha!!!!!
- By grizzzly (**) Date 04-28-2011 05:17
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

:eek:
Up Topic Chit-Chat & Non-Welding Discussion / Off-Topic Bar and Grill / Quantas Airlines Repair and QA

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