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Parent - - By Yung Buck (*) Date 05-24-2009 04:47
lmao that's funny
Parent - By mcostello (**) Date 05-25-2009 02:07
I don't care who you are .......that hurts!
Parent - By Jssec (**) Date 05-25-2009 22:58
Nag, nag, nag

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning ~til night she was always complaining about something.  The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, ‘Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.’

’And what about the men?’ the minister asked.

’They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.’
Parent - - By Jssec (**) Date 05-27-2009 17:44
Government job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He says “Yes, just caffeine.”

“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,
and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”

The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’tyou want me to be here before 10am?”

“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
Parent - - By ctacker (****) Date 05-28-2009 14:20
This  is what marriage is really all about . . . . ..

He ordered one  hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old
man  unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed
one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the  French
fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile  in front of
his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife  took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat  his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them kept looking over  and whispering. You could tell they were
thinking, 'That poor old  couple - all they can afford is one meal for the
two of them.' 

As the

man began to eat his fries a young man came to the  table. He politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The  old man said they were
just fine - They were used to sharing  everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady  hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and  occasionally taking turns sipping
the drink.

Again the young  man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them.  This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to
sharing  everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face  neatly with the napkin, the
young man again came over to the little  old lady who had yet to eat a
single bite of food and asked 'What is  it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . .  . 

'THE  TEETH
Parent - - By FixaLinc (****) Date 06-19-2009 04:05
Presidential Stamp

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of
President Obama. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1)The stamp is in perfect order.
2)There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3)People are spitting on the wrong side.
Parent - By jrw159 (*****) Date 06-19-2009 12:09
ROTFLMFAO!!! :-)
Parent - By BryonLewis (****) Date 06-19-2009 15:32
A guy is working at an adult book store.  The manager tells the boy that he is going to lunch so he will be on his own for an hour.
About 10 minutes after the manager leaves a woman walks in and looks at the "marital aids" behind the counter. 
The guy asks the lady if he could help her with anything.  She proceeds to look at the various models that they have on the shelf.
She said, "Let me see the black one."  "Oh that's too small".  "How about that yellow one."  "Nope too curvy".
"Hey what about that tall silver one, how much is that, I think that's perfect."
"Well" the clerk said, "that one is our top of the line and it's 150 dollars".
"Great I'll take it."
He takes it off the shelf and puts it in the bag and tells the lady to have a nice day.
Later, the manager comes back and asks the clerk if he made any sales.
He said, "Yeah I sold my coffee thermos for 150 bucks".  OOOOHHHHH  :-)
Parent - - By Jssec (**) Date 07-06-2009 22:46
A story about balance

God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found  him, resting on the seventh day.  He inquired, “Where have you been?”

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,  “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

”It’s a planet,” replied God,  “and I’ve put life on it..  I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test  Balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity  and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.  Balance in all things.”

God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

“That’s Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes,
forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of aircraft and software.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,  “But what about balance, God? You said there would be
balance.”

God smiled, “There’s another Washington.  Wait till you see the idiots I put there.”
Parent - - By aevald (*****) Date 07-06-2009 23:23
Hello Jssec, that's truly an accurate description of the State of Washington(of course I would say that since I hail from there)! I would also say that it might be pretty accurate in describing the opposites of Washington DC(politicians that is of course, not citizens). I got a chuckle out of that one and it hit home as well. Thanks and regards, Allan
Parent - - By Joseph P. Kane (****) Date 07-07-2009 01:50
Aevald, Jessec

You see?  Even God doesn't tell the whole truth.   He doesn't mention the 170 days of rain on the coast every year, the black flies, the high desert to the east, and all the downsides to that beautiful Western part of the state.

Joe Kane
Parent - - By aevald (*****) Date 07-07-2009 02:14
Ah come on Joe, you're raining(pardon the pun) on my parade. Regards, Allan
Parent - By Joseph P. Kane (****) Date 07-07-2009 12:12
Allan

I was just pointing out the nature of things when politics is involved.

Joe Kane
Parent - By Jriley1972 (*) Date 06-25-2009 17:51
My wife sent this to me one day...

When the fight started
Body: 1. My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...

2.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...

3. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started.

4. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.

You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started...

5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...

6. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started...

7. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.....

8. I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, s he bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started.

9. My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday. and then the fight started.....

10. A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started.....

11. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.

' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And then the fight started ...

12. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started....

13. My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....
Parent - By jrw159 (*****) Date 07-08-2009 19:33
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever
a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that
I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love
life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22%
of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of
all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at
least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men
are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide
or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give one the finger? ..... I think not.

--Author Unknown
Parent - - By grizzzly (**) Date 07-11-2009 02:09
How many teenagers does it take to mop a floor

Good luck finding one that will work
Parent - By norcalwelder (**) Date 07-11-2009 05:16
I'll do it for $9.50 a hour and benefits....lol :D
Parent - - By Cumminsguy71 (*****) Date 07-14-2009 02:55
The Welfare
Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check He marched straight up to the counter and said,
" Hi. You know, I just HATE Drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a  job".

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old
man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You'll have to drive  around in his 2008
Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll
also be expected to  escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward  to say but you will also
have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her  sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's  and has a rather
strong sex  drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage,
will be designated for your sole use and the salary is  $200,000 a year.

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're ********tin' me!

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started  it.
Parent - By grizzzly (**) Date 03-06-2010 07:12
too bad that isnt a real job
Parent - By Revjsnizzle (**) Date 08-04-2009 15:18



The Dam

     
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County  

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property.  You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:    

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.   

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.  Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated. 

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.  All restoration work shall be completed  no later than January 31, 2007. 

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..  

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. 

Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County 

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to.  I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .  

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.  While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."  

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

(should be a picture of 2 beavers here...use your imagination....LOL...imagine the woodland creature)         

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking.   As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?    

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.  
  
(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)


I have several concerns.  My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation?  The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.    
 
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.   
 
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).   
 
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them. 

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!   
 
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU, 

RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS

Parent - By Revjsnizzle (**) Date 08-04-2009 15:23
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK... I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me , I said:

'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ugly.'
Parent - By rjc5510 (*) Date 08-07-2009 03:25
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning
Parent - - By ssbn727 (*****) Date 08-10-2009 12:33
Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall... back in 1850?

California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

Respectfully,
Henry
Parent - - By RioCampo (***) Date 08-10-2009 13:05
Da$$,
Henry you almost made me choke on my chicken biscuit. Texas could almost say that also.
Rob
Parent - By FixaLinc (****) Date 08-12-2009 02:24
Rob, Hopefully some of our youth are trained better than that here in Texas so we won't have to worry so much yet.  :)

A Hopeful Father in Texas:

A  father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled
as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears
formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question
he replied, 'No dear.. both of them are  Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted her foot and  stomped them flat.

'Well, that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that
**** here in Texas ,' she said.
Parent - - By RonG (****) Date 08-11-2009 20:08
Henry this string is for posting JOKEs not FACTs :-).
Parent - By jrw159 (*****) Date 08-11-2009 20:11
LOL, that reminds me of the Gieco commercial on the radio. Gecko says, "HEY these aren't fun facts, there financially sound facts!" :-)

Henry, I feel robbed.

jrw159
Parent - - By jrw159 (*****) Date 08-19-2009 00:07
Here is a funny one. :-)

http://www.break.com/usercontent/2008/6/Weld-Shop-Beer-Bandit-522989.html

Not sure about the whole site, I would advise proceeding with caution beyond this video.

jrw159
Parent - - By ssbn727 (*****) Date 08-19-2009 17:16
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS? 

A crazy B!T@H who will  find  you!!! ROTFLMFAO!!! :) :) :)

Respectfully,
Henry  
Parent - - By waccobird (****) Date 08-19-2009 17:22
You are in rare form today Henry hope you feel as good as you sound.
Parent - - By 3.2 Inspector (***) Date 08-19-2009 17:35
He has been sniffing old farts again!

3.2
Parent - By ssbn727 (*****) Date 08-19-2009 17:38
3.? I believe that's what you do instead!!! ROTFLMFAO!!! :) :) :) Btw, thanks for asking Waccobird!!! I'm just giddy today! ;)

Henry
Parent - By ctacker (****) Date 06-12-2009 21:46
A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.  The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, Boy.................go gitcha momma'.

Parent - - By Jssec (**) Date 06-01-2009 00:54
Last Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung." I took a drink from my frosty can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened RayBan Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey ***** and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why SHE cuts the grass."
Parent - By lonestarwelder7 (**) Date 06-01-2009 19:24
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
Parent - - By Jssec (**) Date 06-02-2009 21:40
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.  When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, ‘Is this a union house?’

‘No,’ she replied, ‘I’m sorry it isn’t.’

‘Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’

’The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,’ she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, ’Why yes sir, this is a union house.  ‘We observe all union rules.’

The man asked, ‘And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’

‘The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.’  ‘That’s more like it!’ the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. 

‘I’d like her,’ he said.

‘I’m sure you would, sir,’ said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, ‘but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she’s next.’
Parent - - By FixaLinc (****) Date 06-03-2009 05:01

> Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2009
>
> John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'
>
> That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
>
> He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
>
> She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
>
> John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
>
> 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
>
> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
>
> The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
>
> She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

Parent - - By DaveBoyer (*****) Date 06-04-2009 04:25
A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack
Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a
horse's ass." Out of nowhere, a local jumps up
and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his
bar stool, then stomps out. He gets up, rubbing his cheek
and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He
looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass
too!" Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the
other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool
again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I
take it this is Obama country"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse
  country".
Parent - - By Jssec (**) Date 06-06-2009 03:59
Red Skelton’s recipe for the perfect marriage

   1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
   2. We also sleep in separate beds.  Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
   3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
   4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.  So I suggested the kitchen.
   5. We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.
   6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
   7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor.  I asked where the car was; she told me “In the lake.”
   8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.
   9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” .... The driver said “No, jump in!”
  10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
  12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don’t like to interrupt her.
  13. The last fight was my fault though! My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”
Parent - - By ctacker (****) Date 06-06-2009 06:26
  NEW BOOTS

      An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy
      boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

      Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about
      me?'

      Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

      Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen
      completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice
      anything different NOW?'

      Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging
      down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

      Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

      'Nope', she replied.

      'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

      Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a
      hat.'
Parent - - By ctacker (****) Date 06-06-2009 06:31
Manure... An interesting fact

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by
ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so
large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than
when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the
process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As
the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and
did) happen.  Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came
below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high
enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would
not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transit) which has
come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.  I had always thought it was a golf term.
Parent - - By Kix (****) Date 06-19-2009 15:08
[deleted]
Parent - - By ctacker (****) Date 06-19-2009 16:34
look up about 8 posts. :)
I used redneck,lol
Parent - By Kix (****) Date 06-22-2009 11:55
Yeah, I just noticed that.  I like the redneck one better because the Amish don't really care what their women look like. lol
Parent - - By FixaLinc (****) Date 06-21-2009 00:26
A man, while playing on the front

nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on

the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew

what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she

Replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back  nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same  request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be  on

the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and

returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the

clubhouse where he saw the same lady

Sitting at the end of the  bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and  said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for

your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in

sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell  you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the  barstool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd  laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for

preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
Parent - - By ctacker (****) Date 06-25-2009 00:30
Dont know if any of this is true, but here goes

Proof That The World Is Nuts 
 

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.  
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England  - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
 
Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam!!
Parent - - By ctacker (****) Date 06-25-2009 00:31

> A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
>
> Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
>
> Preparing to write a check,
>
> She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
>
> And tries to write with it.
>
> When she realizes her mistake,
>
> She looks at the flabbergasted teller
>
> And without missing a beat, she says:
>
> 'Well, that's great....that's just great....
>
> Some *******'s got my pen!'

Parent - By Revjsnizzle (**) Date 06-25-2009 14:37
That is some funny (S)hip (H)igh (I)n (T)ransit
Parent - By FixaLinc (****) Date 06-25-2009 15:28
Must be why we had to start using ear thermometers just many pens getting lost ?  LOL
Parent - By makeithot (***) Date 08-11-2009 00:33
Iam moving to Gaum.
Up Topic Chit-Chat & Non-Welding Discussion / Off-Topic Bar and Grill / Jokes.....post em up
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