Not logged inAmerican Welding Society Forum
A friend sent this to me in an e-mail.
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please
check. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood
pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his
manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close
look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you
very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
I'll have to remember that and give it a try if I land in the hospital.
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows When the old man passes
gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man
replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie
score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, And
accidentally ****s in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides!!!!!
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
The Rolling Stones say, "Hey... You... Get offa my cloud!"
A Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud... Get offa my ewe."
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got
horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed
with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain
he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with
saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will
Viagra do
for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied,
'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the
sheets
off
his legs.'
One winter morning a husband and wife
in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of
snow today. You must park your car
on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through.' So the good wife went out and moved the car. A week later
while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, 'We
are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through.' The good wife went out and moved the car again. The next
week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....'
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and
with a worried look on her face she said, 'Honey, I don't know what to
do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can
get through?' With the love and
understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes
exhibit, the husband replied, 'Why don't you just leave it in the
garage this time?'
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male
or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him
out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this. Abbot's the salesperson, Costello the customer calling in:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office!
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? >>>> next column
Continues from Column 1:
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue " 1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue " 1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue " 1" is Real One and the blue " W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...
I do not intend to offend or make anyone angry with this joke
The Irish Nursing Home
A Mexican family was considering putting their
grandfather (abuelo) in a nursing home.
All the Hispanic facilities were completely full
so they had to put him in an Irish home.
After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came
to visit grandpa.
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson..
'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,'says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'
'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents
Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's
85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still
calls him 'Maestro'!'
'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the
bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'
'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25
years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'
'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they
still call me "The F***ing Mexican"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
What do you call a basement full of welders? A whine cellar.
How many pipefitters does it take to change a lightbulb? 3- One to do the job and two more to tell everyone how they could have done it better.
What's the difference between a welder and a puppy? In 6 weeks the puppy will quit whining.
Something To Offend Nearly Everyone
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work
in the future either.
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.
Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A Because on Tuesday and Thursday,the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A. The Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale???
A. A Northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...' A Southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United
States.
In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
"Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The British Government beat me to it."
A young Jewish boy had just completed his Bar Mitzvah. He had made no mistakes in the reading, and his father was beaming with pride.
So, He said "Son I am so proud of you, I could just burst"! You did a magnicificant Job, and I am going to send you to the Holy Land for a 30 day vacation. Go there, visit Uncle Stanley and Aunt Sophie. Go see Jerusalem, Sinai, Massada, and the Wailing Wall, attend several different Temples and Synagogues, Get in touch with our Jewish roots. Be sure to see some museums, and above all, have a good time!"
So, the young man goes off to Israel and comes back after the thirty days. He tells his father what a grand time he had. "Oh, and Daddy, I converted to Christianity!"
"Oy-Vey! How could you!?!?" So, they argue for the rest of the night, but there is no reasoning with the kid.
He keeps on saying; "Christ said it. I believe it. That settles it!" "Oh, and by the way, I have been baptized!"
Sooo, very early next morning the father goes to his Synagogue and wakes up the Rabbi. He tells the Rabbi about his son's trip and his conversion to Christianity. The Rabbi commiserates with him and tells him about his experience with his own family. "I sent my eldest son and daughter to the Holy Land, and they both converted to Christianity. They both married Christians and their children are baptized Christians" "Whats a just man to do?"
"Let's walk over to the Synagogue and pray to God."
So, they both go over and begin to pray and tell their story to God. Suddenly this booming voice resounds through the hall.
God says "Funny you should mention this..... I sent my only son to the Holy Land....and..."
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Four Engineers, a mechanical, a chemical, an electrical and a software engineer, were traveling in a car when, suddenly, the car stopped. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized.
We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again" said the mechanical engineer.
Well," said the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clean out the fuel system." "I think it might be a grounding problem," said the electrical engineer," or maybe a faulty plug wire." All three turned to the software engineer who had said nothing.
"Well, what do you think?" they asked. He replied, "Well, perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again ..."
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
So there's two potato's standing on the street corner. How do you know which one's the prostitute?
Look for the little tag that say's "I da ho".
W's best three years? Fifth grade.
Mama Bear said "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
Papa Bear said "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!"
Baby Bear said "Well, Goodnight Folks."
A man from Texas goes on vacation to Dublin, Ireland. He walks into the corner pub and in a loud, booming vioce he says, "Alright boys, heres the deal! I've heard for years now you Irish are such big drinkers, I'll tell you what! The first one of you in here that can line up ten pints of Guiness and drink them all back to back, I'll give you $500 american cash on the spot!"
No one says a word to him. A few turn and look and go back to drinking and talking. One man gets up and leaves. "Alright; no takers! To hell with ya!" The Texan sits down, quite dissapointed and orders a beer.
Twenty minutes later the Irishman that left earlier walks back into the pub and taps the Texan on the shoulder and says "Excuse me sir. I that bet you made earlier still good?"
"Ya man, money's still on the table!" replied the Texan.
"Alright bartender, line 'em up!" The Irishman took a deep breath and moved right on down the line pounding one right after the other until he had slammed all ten pints of Guiness.
"God darn son! That was impessive!" said the Texan who promptly hand him $500. "Ya' know, Its none of my business but if ya don't mind my asking, where did you go just now?!"
The Irishman just smiled and said, "I went to the pub 'round the corner to make sure I could do it first!"
A drunk pipeliner stumbles out of a bar and sees a nun walking down the street. He goes right up to her and POW! punches her square in the mouth. Then he gives her a few body shots and she doubles over and falls down. He kicks her a couple times and says "You're not so tough Batman."
Atlanta Airport"
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others - Southerners can be so polite!
Atlanta ACT: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R"
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ACT. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ACT: "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ACT. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."
Pause....................
Saudi Air: "ATLANTA ACT -- ATLANTA ACT"
Atlanta ACT: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE! INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."
Atlanta ACT: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus!!! Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?";-) :-) :-) :-)
Respectfully,
Henry
An old man goes to a Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife".
Redneck Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
No Arabs In Star Trek
The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future..."
Two Irish blokes are standing on the edge of a cliff, one has a budgie on each shoulder. The other has a parrot on one shoulder.
The first jumps off the cliff and halfway down the budgies fly off, he hits the ground with a thud and is barely alive as he rolls around groaning upon the rocks. The second man jumps off the cliff and half way down the parrot flies off, the man reaches into his jacket and pulls out a shotgun and shoots the parrot just before he lands upon the rocks.
As they both lie there in pain the first man comments
"I don't think much of this Budgie jumping"
The other replies
"I don't think much of this free fall parrot shooting either"
White Trailer Trash Barbie
She's bigger'n meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, "thank-thur-better'n-you" Barbies! Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer-park friend.
Every White Trailer Trash Barbie comes complete with:
Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure!
A six-pack of cheap beer (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie during her busy day of eating fried foods, *****ing, and watching TV.
Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants*, halter top and sandals. (*Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Alabama.)
Miracle-o'-procreation button! Press button on Barbie's back and she's pregnant...again! God only knows who by!
Action ***** pull string! Barbie can say 11 phrases including "I tol' jew god d#@! kids to git the hell outa my yard!", "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", "Whur's my f#!@ing cigarettes?", and more.
Also Available:
Barbie double-wide dream trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie's wormy, half-breed Rottwieler, Rufus also included. Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Playset (Sold separately). Also comes in trailer, a life-size poster of every trailer park's fav'rite TV star, Jerry Springer.
Barbie dream car. 1976 Camaro in mix-n'- match colors and smokin' chokin' exhaust*. Coat hanger radio antenna. Holds two white Trash Barbies or fifteen MexiMigrant Barbies (Sold separately). (*smoke non-toxic unless inhaled.) Concrete blocks available for front yard, at no extra charge. Oops! And don't forget the gas can and the fix-a-flat!
Abusive boyfriend Ken with Asskickn' leg action and PimpSlap backhand. Complete with cowboy boots and Wild Turkey. Cusses, mumbles, then cries when string is pulled. (African-American version available except in Mississippi)
Married-life Ken with Beer-bustin' expanding waist*. Molded to recliner. With TV remote, beer, chips. Says "Shut up, woman," and, "Git me a beer." (*Waist cannot be reduced once expanded).
Get yours before the Christmas rush is on. Sold now at your local Wal-Marts.
Maybe you heard this one..You know whats hard and long on a welder? Grade six.
Middle school is a lot of fun when You are old enough to drive and buy beer.
Thre men die in a car accident. They are met at the gate of Heaven by St. Peter, who invites them in.
"Welcome to Heaven" "I've got to warn you, the Boss is a founding member of "Ducks Unlimited". "The one thing that can go wrong up here, and rememeber it is for ETERNITY, is if you step on a duck."
Now, if you consider that you are standing in white clouds up to your waist, you might easily step on a duck.
So, the first guy, a handsome cocky young man, steps in and walks about ten feet. A loud Quaaackkk is heard. Suddenly there is the ugliest old woman handcuffed to him. She has a hooked nose, warts crooked eyes and a raspy voice. The Boss's voice booms out "Now you are now married to each other FOREVER."
The other two get the message, and are determined not to let that happen to them. However, the second guy, also a cocky good looking jock, lasts about six hours. QUAAACCKK! Poof he is handcuffed to a huge grotesquely fat woman. She has broken teeth, she dribbles, there are ripples of fat everywhere. He is also stuck for eternity.
The third guy is not so brash, or confident, or as handsome, and he tries to be more carefull. The effort pays off. Six months later he has the "angels shuffle" down pat, and he will never step on a duck. But, suddenly... QUAAACCKKK! and Poof... -He is handcuffed to the most gorgeous, sexiest, drop dead beauty anyone has ever seen....
If you don't get this, you are truly a male chauvinist.
Well I did get it..... but it took a while. So I must be somewhat of a male chauvinist.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinist is a woman that won't do what she's told.
A young Christian high school senior is taking a bus tour of Israel. However, he is the only Christian on the bus, All the other young men are Jewish.
Many of the stops are religious sites. When the bus pulls up to the Wailing Wall, the Christian asks the Jewish boys what they were stopping at.
A jewish boy says; "It's the Western Wall of the Temple. It is the holiest site in all Jerusalem. When you pray to God here, He has to answer you!
"Oh." Replies the Christian boy.
"Come on says the Jewish boy. Come and pray!"
"Nah, I'm not Jewish!" Says the Christian.
"What difference does that make. We all believe in the same God. Come on! What harm can it do?"
So, he puts on a yarmulke and goes over to the wall and starts to pray; "Oh God- I want to be very, very, rich!" After a few seconds, he heard this voice. "I won't give you a lot of money outright. You will have to earn it through hard work. I will guide you, however, and I promise you that will get rich enough while you are young enough to really enjoy your wealth!"
Well, now the boy is emboldened; He prays again; "God. I don't want to it rain any more in Israel!" God Replies; "Ridiculous. Israel needs the rain for the crops and for drinking water, and to keep the dust down. The rain clouds also help cool the place off. However, I will be sure that it will not rain anywhere you go during your tour!"
Now the boy is really wired up. He prays some more; "God, I would like there to be peace between the Arabs and the Israelis." However, this time there is no answer from God. The boy says; "God?" Still - silence. "God???" Still - silence. He gets a little exasperated and says; "GOOOOOOD!????.
Then God's voice comes back and says; "Young Man! Do you realize you are talking to a stone wall?"
Why are there no road killed Crows?? They always have a look-out on a phone pole screaming CAR, CAR!!!!!!!!!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the armadillo it could be done!
(i am from Texas)
There's 2 banana's walking down the beach when they stumble across a turd floating in the ocean. The turd then yells out to the 2 banna's in a squeaky voice and says, "hey, come on in the waters fine". Then the one banana turns to the other and says, "do you believe that sh!t".
> >Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
> >particularly icy winter.
> >They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their
> >honeymoon 20
> >years before.
> >Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
> >their
> >travel schedules.
> >So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and
> >his
> >wife was flying down the following day.
> >The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a
> >computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
> >However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
> >and
> >without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
> >Meanwhile...
> >
> >somewhere in Houston ...
> >
> >
> >a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
> >He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a
> >heart
> >attack.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from
> >relatives
> >and friends.
> >After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted .
> >
> >
> >
> >The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
> >and
> >then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
> >
> >To: My Loving Wife
> >Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
> >Subject: I have Arrived!
> >Dearest Love:
> >I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
> >now,
> >and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just
> >arrived and have been checked in.
> >I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow,
> >and
> >look forward to seeing you then.
> >Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
> >PS .............................. Sure is hot down here!
ctacker, that is hilarious, unfortunately something like that could certainly happen easy enough. My old welding partner was sending jokes and other notables to a fellow who retired from the same company as him. After sending numerous items to this person, he received an email from the email recipient that all of this was going to and requested that these mailings cease as he didn't appreciate them and didn't know the person who was sending them: like you said, one letter or number off "CAN" make a world of difference. Regards, Allan
THE WEDDING TEST!
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get
married.
There was only one little
thing bothering me.....
It was her beautiful younger
sister.
My prospective sister-in-law
was twenty-two,
wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend
down when she was near me,
and I always got more
than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did
it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little"
sister called and asked me
to come over to check
the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived,
and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted
me just once
before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock,
and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom,
and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen
in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment,
then turned
and made a beeline straight
to the front door.
I opened the door, and
headed straight towards my car.
To my surprise, my entire
future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes,
my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy
that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this
story is:
Always keep your condoms
in your car !
Letter Of Reference
To Whom It May Concern:
"Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible."
Delivered a short time later:
"That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the letter sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only every other line."
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
2 snowmen standing in in a field,
one says to the other.
sniff, sniff, "can you smell carrots?"
Powered by mwForum 2.29.2 © 1999-2013 Markus Wichitill
Forum
