Hold on a minute. While we’re on the subject, diamonds are nothing more than Spanish fly for rich guys. I remember when I was younger and walking into a jewelry store with my new girlfriend on a Saturday morning. Wanting to make a good impression on her, I told the jeweler that I wanted to buy her a diamond ring. You should have seen the look on her face when he took a $5000 ring from the showcase. Before she could try it on, I grabbed it and told the jeweler that I wanted to give her something very special, and that money was no object. He went to another showcase and brought back a $40,000 diamond ring. Seeing the sparkle in her eyes and how her whole body trembled with excitement as she tried it on, I immediately told the jeweler that we’ll take it. The jeweler asked for the method of payment, and I said that I would be paying with a check. Even though the bank was closed, from just seeing how happy my new girlfriend was, the jeweler allowed me to go ahead and write the check and he said that he’d call the bank on Monday to verify the funds. On Monday morning, the jeweler called me and angrily told me to bring the ring back immediately because of insufficient funds. I told him that I already knew that, and I thanked him profusely for the incredible weekend I had. Needless to say, the relationship didn't work out. I think what I really needed was a girl who loved me for my money and was really bad at math. I didn’t fare any better on my next relationship, as my next girlfriend went to the police and told them that I’d raped her. They asked about the events leading up to the alleged rape. She showed them a fake diamond ring that I’d given her the night before, that she’d just left from having it appraised, and was told it was a fake. She might have noticed that it was a fake when I gave it to her had it not been for the 80 proof tequila. Very few people realize this, but the diamond ring was the first remote control ever invented. Last month I bought my wife a pair of diamond earrings and she hasn’t spoken to me since. She’s not mad at me, the not speaking to me was just part of the deal.
