grizzzly,
I like Mr. Potato Head except for when I play poker for money with him. I can’t look at his expressionless face and figure out what he’s holding, and he ends up winning all my money. Mrs. Potato Head, on the other hand, is pretty cool. She has a nice dark tan, she’s cute, she’s quiet, she stays in the kitchen until I need her elsewhere and if I catch her messing around, I can easily rearrange her face. The other night, I had a bad dream about messing around. It was my wife, and she walked into a bar. Well actually she was running. In the opposite direction. And the bar was actually a bullet. It was a good shot. This would never hold up in court, I thought, and it didn’t. I ended up in prison. I was really scared on my first night in prison. There was a horror film on the 52 inch plasma TV in my cell and the noises coming from the surround sound system were absolutely terrifying. It's pretty ironic that when you get sent to jail in Monopoly, you don't get to collect any money that's rightfully yours. But when you're in a real life jail, like I was in my dream, you get free accommodations, free heating, free chef cooked meals, free laundry service, a comfortable bed, a tv, and an Xbox360 that's paid for by the taxpayers. The only problem I had was the on the second night when I was cold and I asked the guard if he could add a couple more bars to the door to make it a little warmer. He gave me an electric blanket instead. I was a little disappointed, but the thing that disappointed me the most was finding out the next morning that teaching you to fight like Batman was not part of their physical regimen. At some point through it all, I somehow noticed this woman that had been checking me out every fifteen minutes for the past several hours, and I thought, as soon as they take me off of suicide watch, I'm going to ask her out. Later on, when they realized I wasn’t going to do any harm to myself, I ended up with a new cell mate, who told me that he was in prison for something he didn’t do. Turns out he didn’t wipe his fingerprints off the knife he used. He asked me why I was there and I told him it’s because they won’t let me out. He told me that he’ll be moving to death row as soon as there’s a vacancy. I told him that if I ever got sent to the electric chair, I would order a tub of butter for my last meal and a huge bowl of popping corn. I told him that when it’s his time and he’s asked for a last request, he should either ask for a big bowl of vanishing cream or one of those super hero invisibility cloaks. Of course it was all only a dream, but for any would-be convicts out there, I recommend closing one eye and holding a fork up as close to your eye as possible. This will give you an ideal insight of life inside a prison cell. Just make sure to hold it to the eye that’s open, otherwise it makes no sense. You'll want to hold onto that fork because it will come in handy in case you’re caught breaking the law and eventually sentenced to prison. As soon as your sentence is read, swallow the fork immediately. Make sure to start with the forked end and not the handle. If it doesn’t get turned around as it goes down, it will end up making a little jail door for your butt.
