Again, Happy Anniversary. In all seriousness, my wife and I still look at each other the same way we did when we got married. Like two strangers who think they could do better. And, I would never forget my anniversary. She won’t let me. As I said, Sunday is my twelfth. At least the Chilean miners knew someone was going to rescue them. Last evening my wife and I were taking a leisurely stroll. Well actually, I was walking with her as she carried two garbage bags of trash to the dumpster. We bumped into our new neighbor, who said, “So, then, any plans for the big anniversary this weekend?” “You’ve only been living here a month.” I said. “I’d hardly call it an anniversary.” Then for some reason, after my wife finished with the trash, she slapped me and walked off. Before that, our evening was going so well. Earlier, we were uptown, and we happened to walk past a swanky new restaurant. “Did you smell that food?” she said. “It was absolutely incredible, and our anniversary is coming up in a few days.” I thought what the heck. I’ll treat her. So I walked her past it again, only this time, we walked a little slower, because I know how to treat a woman. This morning at breakfast, I think she seemed mad at me for some reason, but then she said “Honey, when I get old and ugly, will you still talk to me?” “Don’t I?” I replied. Hopefully this anniversary will be better than the anniversary breakfast in bed that we had that one year. No exchange of cards, no presents, and no sex. Just breakfast in bed. She brought our trays in, sat next to me, and said “My dear, this is so romantic”. Then she turned to me and said, “So, what is it you've missed most over the last few years?” I looked at her sitting there in a pair of jogging pants, a t-shirt that was covered in egg yolk, her hair in a mess, and I said “Probably my dignity.” Then without warning me first, she took off her t-shirt. “My breasts feel all warm and tingly” “I’m not surprised”, I said. “One’s hanging in your coffee and the other one’s lying on my bacon.” “Can we eat now?” Come to think of it, we’ve never really had a good anniversary. Shortly after the Grand Canyon trip, we got married and it was somewhat downhill after that. On one anniversary, my wife reminded me, “Can you remember when we first got married, and you were so nervous, you put the ring on the third finger of the wrong hand?” “Yes”, I replied. “It should have been your sisters.” The following year, she said the words I had been waiting to hear since the day I put that ring on the wrong finger. “You mess around with my sister, and I'm leaving you.” I remember one anniversary, all she could do was to sit across the table and give me this mean, scary look. You know, the kind of look that can only come from the daughter of satan. “You’ve forgotten our anniversary again, haven’t you?” I replied, “Have I??” I’m wearing black, aren’t I??” She always reacts the same way when I accidentally forget. She doesn’t speak to me for days. And all this time I thought that it was supposed to be a punishment. I think the first time I forgot the date of our wedding was the worst. I’ll never forget it. She waited in that church almost all day. To make up for it, on our first wedding anniversary, I gave her a very expensive necklace that I’d bought at the flea market. She couldn’t believe it. “Were you sober when you bought this?” she asked with a smile. “Listen”, I said. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes since we got married, but being sober isn’t one of them.” Actually, not being sober has rendered some of my best ideas for anniversary gifts. Since our anniversary is in the middle of the summer, one year I filled up a bucket of water, and I told her that it was a giant ice sculpture shaped like a heart, but it melted. That saved me a fortune, excluding the fancy $3 bucket I bought at the flea market. It was originally a $5 bucket, but thank God I was able to talk them down. As the years went by, I figured out more creative ways to spend less money. One year she asked me to get her a present that would make her cry, so I gave her an onion. It must have been a really strong one, because she started crying before she even peeled it. Sometimes it’s the simple things in life that mean the most. Another year, she gave me a card that morning, and said “Happy Anniversary”. “Thanks”, I said. As I walked away, she stood there with her hands on her hips and said “Now where’s my card?” I said, “You've just gave it to me.” One of the things I've learned about marriage is being able to quickly reverse the feeling of guilt to the other party. The beauty of it is that they've done nothing at all, other than being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Feeling a little bad about what I’d said, I made it up to her that evening. I took her out to a nice meal, plenty of wine, and then we retired to the hotel room. Somehow that night, we ended up on the bed. She turned to me and said that she knew what it was that I wanted, and that she still knew how to please me. We started to wrestle, but it was no use, just like it was on our wedding night. I was simply too strong. She’s pretty strong herself, but I finally managed to pry the TV remote out of her hand. Anyway, as I said in my previous post, this one will be our twelfth, which is traditionally a gift of silk or linen. Her friend just celebrated an anniversary and her husband bought her a silver BMW. My wife has been going on about how gorgeous it is, so I’m buying her a dishcloth that’s the same color.
Bravo Scott!
