How have you managed to get it through airport security? I’ve found that the ugliness of an airport security guard is proportionate to how intimately they want to search you. I once went through airport security and the security woman said, “You have a choice of being groped or photographed nude.” I replied “Why can't I have both?” Women can be so confusing at times. They tell you to take off your jacket, to take off your belt, and take off your shoes, but when you start touching them, they freak out. Then they ask me the same stupid questions. “Have you left your suitcase unattended at any time”? “Uh, now that you’ve mentioned it, as a matter of fact I have. It’s been in my closet for the last 10 months.” Then, on a connecting flight, another security officer asks me the same question. “Have you left your bag unattended, Sir?” and I said, “No, my wife has never left my side.” One thing I’ve learned. When the airport security asks, “Do you have any weapons?” never respond with “Why, what do you need?” After walking through the metal detectors at the airport and no alarms go off, and the security guard gives me my bags back, I like to yell YES and start running. Note to self: As I’m running to board a plane and trying to get the front seat, don’t yell “shotgun.” Though, I’ve recently found a way to avoid the intimate searches that airport security seems to enjoy. On the way to the airport, I take a double dose of Viagra. If I manage to time it correctly, it kicks in just as they’re starting to pat me down. Then they abruptly stop and let me go on. Now before anybody gets the wrong idea, the smile on my face is because the pat down always tickles me. On a side note, it's perfectly normal for kids to play “doctor”, but if they start playing “airport security”, then it’s time to worry.