LOL!

I am on the floor laughing!

Now that is what I call a joke!!!

SCOTT MAN you're the best brother!!!

Respectfully,
Henry

I know I joke around a lot, but seeing that picture really hit home and reminded me of something a bit disturbing and very personal.  My daughter asks a lot of questions.  I’ve always tried to keep her from seeing disturbing things on tv, but the other day she came to me and asked “Daddy, what's a terrorist?”  She’s 11 years old and I decided that it was time she knew, so as I held her hands and looked into her eyes, I carefully explained “Well sweetheart, it's someone who wants to destroy your way of life.  It’s someone who can't understand our values and through ignorance, it’s someone who wants to inflict fear into our very hearts.” My daughter is smarter than most kids her age, and I’ll never forget her answer.  “Oh my God.  Mommy is a terrorist!”  Those words hit home with me.  I really need to pay more attention to my wife, because when she’s on her period, there’s no negotiating with her.  On top of that, any time I leave the house, I return to relentless interrogation.  At least a terrorist would eventually end my suffering.  Because of the way I get treated at home, I’m always a bit leery of anyone who resembles my idea of what a terrorist should look like.  Yesterday, my built up anger finally came out and I shouted across the street “Take that burka off and integrate into society properly you terrorist!” Then she said “Would an Amazonian tribesman demand you remove your wife's bra if she visited the rain forest?” “Probably not,” I said.  “But my wife is obviously uglier than you, and I don't even know what you look like.”  Seriously though, my daughter has been subjected to some of the same things that a suspected terrorist is subjected to, but thank God she was just too young to remember.  When she was 4 years old, the fear of terrorism was at its highest level, and she ended up getting expelled from preschool, interrogated for three hours by the police, and then she had to undergo psychiatric evaluation, just for bringing a “Hello Kitty” bubble gun to school.  I’m glad that she left her “Hello Kitty” terrorist backpack home that day or she probably would be in prison right now.  All jokes aside, any threat of a terrorist act is very real and should not be taken lightly.    I've been trying to do my part and working with various government agencies to set up a complex sting operation to expose a large number of terrorist organizations.  The nuclear bomb goes on sale on eBay tonight.  Once the bidding starts, they’ll all probably get busted, except for a few of the more hardcore terrorists, who probably won’t get on the internet until after they finish watching “Dancing With The Stars”.  This will expose terrorists on a national level.  I also have a plan to expose them locally.  We know that it’s a sin for the male to see any woman other than his wife naked.  If he sees another female naked other than his wife, he must commit suicide.  So I’ve asked all the women in my neighborhood to walk out of their house, completely naked, this coming Sunday at 2:00 pm, to help weed out any terrorists that may be living in our neighborhood.  I suggest that you all do the same thing in yours.  The women have to slowly and suggestively walk through the neighborhood to make sure that the terrorists see them.  And while they’re walking, I’m also encouraging them to stop and slowly bend over to pick up any trash that might be on the street, while pausing ever so slightly.  The men in the neighborhood will be showing their support by positioning themselves in reclining lawn chairs in front of their house to prove to the other neighbors that they are not terrorists.  More importantly, and I can’t stress this enough, but to also demonstrate that it’s ok for a man to see naked women other than his wife.  And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six pack at their side is further proof of their support for anti terrorism.  I’ll be setting up a tripod and a video camera to capture this “one of a kind” event.  Copies will be available on Monday for $10, with the proceeds being split 50/50 between two anti terrorism support groups.  The RSP (Red Sea Pedestrians) and the GGLF (Garden Gnome Liberation Front).

In light of Obama’s recent immigration plans, I have just one question.  What is the world coming to? Evidently, most of it is coming to America.  I guess on the plus side there will end up being fewer and fewer immigrants having to send the money they earn back home, because pretty soon, they’ll be able to walk next door and hand it to them.  Letting immigrants settle into this country is like a game of poker.  You start with pair and you end up with a full house.  They’re even coming up with a new version of Monopoly that will make it much easier to win.  Rather than choosing a traditional token like the shoe or the iron, a player will have the option of choosing the immigrant token.  The best part about choosing the immigrant token is that you immediately get a free house on Baltic Avenue and three times more money than the other players.  Do any of you remember years ago when we were kids, our teachers and parents made us give money to all the poor kids in the world? Who would have thought back then that so many of them would grow up and come all the way here to thank us personally? And remember when we were in school and we had foreign exchange students, and they always went back home? I can sympathize with all the people who worry about immigration.  I just wish they could understand our politicians long term plan as well as I do….  when the rest of the world is empty, we can move wherever we like.  Meanwhile, does anyone know where I can get the forms to be an illegal immigrant? I sure could use their benefits right now.  I recently saw a survey that asked the question, Are there too many immigrants in the US? To which 7% said no, 27% said yes, and 66% said “I no understand the question please.” I’m not saying it’s bad, but Saturday I walked into a shop around the corner, and wondered if I could pay on my card.  All I asked was Visa?  Four people heard me and ran out the door.  One of them was the cashier. 
I have a safety tip for upcoming and new illegal immigrants:  If you’re ever trapped in a burning house or you’ve been seriously injured in an accident, a special 911 emergency number has been set up especially for you.  If you find yourself in one of the above unfortunate situations, please dial: 349872154639338908137434920134898234100847883388920101770016541019746791324676283723246792430928435970342945173364.  If there’s no answer, that means they’re busy helping someone else.  When this happens, wait five minutes, hang up, and dial the number again.  They always answer calls in the order in which they’re received, so you may need to hang up and re-dial several times before you get an answer.  Before you start dialing, make sure to dial the area code first.  If you don’t know your area code, it’s conveniently located underneath your refrigerator, near the heating element. 
And let me get this straight.  If you cross the North Korean border illegally, you get 12 years of hard labor.  If you cross the Afghanistan border illegally, you get shot.  But if you cross the U.S. border illegally, you end up with a job, a driver’s license, food stamps, a place to live, health care, housing, child benefits, education, and a tax free business for 7 years.  They should have the same security on our borders as they do at the white house.  If someone climbs the White House fence, they’re arrested before they get to the door.
All the above was purely for fun, but in all seriousness, the U.S. is a nation of immigrants, and except for the original Native Americans, everyone in America is an immigrant or the descendant of an immigrant.  The early colonists came from England, Holland, and France. Then came Scandinavians, Welsh, Scottish, Irish, and Germans. By the end of the 1800’s, Italians, Polish, Armenians, Russians, Greeks, Hungarians, and Turks began to pour into America.  Soon, Chinese and Japanese immigrants arrived in great numbers.  Immigrants came for many reasons. They came in hopes of owning land or getting a better job. Some came for adventure or to avoid military service in their former country. Many came to escape persecution. But mostly they came for the hope of a better life for themselves and for their families.  I believe that the latter is still true today, and I, for one, will never hold that against them, because after all, isn’t that what we’re all looking for? On a much smaller scale but of no lesser importance, that’s why I moved from NC to Georgia…. to have the opportunity to be a better provider for my family.  That being said, I do think we need to do something with the amount of people pouring into this country, and I think we have to draw the line somewhere.

true!