It’s a little more than two weeks until Christmas.  I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your wife walks into the room and you don't get any disgusting looks.  My wife suggested that we do something Christmassy this evening to get into the festive spirit, so I'm going to get drunk and start an argument.  Last year I asked her what she wanted for Christmas.  “I don't know,” she replied.  So the next day as I walked down the street, I picked up an old rusty piece of metal off the sidewalk.  I took it home, wrapped it, and gave it her on Christmas day.  When she opened it, she asked “What’s this?” “I don't know”, I replied “But it’s what you asked for.  I hope you like it.”  This year she’s a step ahead of me and she’s already told me not to bother with getting her any Christmas presents and that I should spend the money on beer.  Well, her actual words were “Make your own dinner, a**hole”.  I can take a hint.  Come to think of it, I don’t think that she’s ever really appreciated a single Christmas present I’ve ever gotten for her.  Whoever came up with the phrase “It’s the thought that counts,” has probably never been married.  One year I asked her what she wanted, and she just smiled and said “Something that buzzes and is guaranteed to drive me crazy”.  That could only mean one thing, so I hurried out and bought her a pet mosquito.  Another year I asked her what she wanted, and she said, “Oh, nothing special.  So I gave her a framed picture of herself.  Then there was the year I went out and got her a bottle of perfume.  It was a bottle of “ample” from Victoria’s Secret.  It was a very small bottle, but it was the only one they had left.  She was so surprised by my generosity she never even noticed where I’d scratched the “S” off the bottle.  And I’ll never forget our first Christmas as husband and wife.  I remember finding her Christmas list.  Eggs, Milk, Bread, Tampons.  I guess I'll never understand women.  One year I thought that getting her present engraved was a nice touch, but she really hated that headstone.  I thought that it was appropriate and that it went nicely with the driving lessons I was giving her at the time.  I remember one afternoon as we were pulling in our driveway our neighbor saw the large tree on top of the car.  I got out of the back seat and as I was taking my crash helmet off, he walked up and asked “Getting ready for the holidays a bit early this year?” “Nah, just teaching the wife to drive.”  This year I plan to hide my wife's Christmas present in one of her dresser drawers.  It’s the one where she keeps all the sexy stockings and underwear that she used to wear.  She won't even bother looking in that drawer because I've padlocked it and then I accidentally lost the key.  Before you go thinking that I'm some sort of bad husband, I did it for my own protection and peace of mind.  I remember one particular Christmas eve several years ago.  I was sound asleep.  As visions of sugar plums danced in my head, I was suddenly awakened and somewhat startled to see a large figure wearing a red suit at the bottom of my bed.  “Is that you Santa Claus?” I called out rubbing my eyes as I flicked on the night light.” “No it's me.” My wife growled, as she stood there in her red onesie and holding a whip.  Talk about the nightmare before Christmas.  I can’t even remember the last time I actually had a good Christmas.  When I was a kid, money was always tight.  One Christmas I got an old shoe box that contained four “D” size batteries.  I was starting to get excited about what they might be for, and then I saw the sticker on the side that said “Toy Not Included.”  The next Christmas wasn’t much better.  I had one present, and it was wrapped in tin foil.  It was a potato.  One year I got a guitar for Christmas.  It was an air guitar.  Another Christmas, I noticed a present under the tree from an uncle that I didn’t even know I had.  It was a box of rice.  Thanks Uncle Ben.  I know a lot of parents buy their kids’ Christmas presents early and then hide them.  I remember one year, no matter where our parents hid the presents, my brother and I would always find them.  One night I overheard my dad telling my mom that “the only way to stop it would be to put them in the attic.” I remember it being so dark and so cold up there.  Anyway, as I’m starting to get into the Christmas spirit, I just wanted to share some of my treasured memories.  Just remember that after the holiday is over, it’s bad luck to take down Christmas decorations too early.  Last summer I tried telling my wife that, but she just wouldn’t listen, so I had to push her off the ladder just to prove my point