I wasn’t going to go there, but Al opened the door. I was on the bus the other day and I had one of those attacks. The music was really loud, but I managed to time my excessive wind with the beat. After four or five songs I started feeling better. As I left the bus, people were really giving me the evil eye. That’s when I remembered that I’d been listening to my iPod. It’s not really my fault. I've been diagnosed with excessive wind, but like everybody else who has a severe medical condition, I'm not going to suffer in silence. When I was a kid, I remember trying the trick where you light one on fire. We weren’t allowed to play with lighters, so I used a candle. The Priest didn't find it as funny as I did, and everybody just sat there looking at me in disgust. One lady in the front row even told me to pull my pants up. A few years later, a bunch of us were in a crowded, but it was a quiet room. Me being me, I decided to initiate another round of excessive wind. All of a sudden, the quietness in the room turned into laughter. One of my friends approached me about 30 minutes later, saying how it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen. My wife however, said that it ruined our wedding. I’m good at it, but I can’t hold a candle to my wife, and I wouldn’t want to. Remember putting a blade of grass in between your thumbs, blowing it, and hearing the weird sounds it made? Same thing happens when my wife wears thongs. Don’t get me wrong. Her excessive wind outbursts are not all that frequent because she can’t keep her mouth shut long enough to build up any pressure. When it finally does happen, I’m not saying it’s loud, but she'll never get hit by a ship.